Hi! I am Parul. My ancestors are from South Asia, I was born on Turtle Island in Tkaronto, and I currently live on the island of Bali in Indonesia. I use poetry, prose, poetic frames to unravel entanglements of our thoughts, feelings and experiences. Call it an evolving decolonization practice that is liberating the many intelligences our existence contains.☝🏽 I read you this newsletter, or you can read it yourself! 👇🏽
culture of me
is the culture of you
i ferment the old and the new
creating an abundant form of the future
melded together
giving space for the third me
for you
— homemade yogurt
In my last few letters I have been writing about the dynamics of food and our relationship to it. Below, like a good biology graduate, I have summarized key points in equation like statements:
food < > culture food creates culture culture creates food culture = sense of belonging food = sense of belonging sense of belonging = home 🔥 therefore: culture = food = home = belonging food = our body = health our body = our bodies = mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, astral bodies = koshas food = ecosystem, Mother Earth, the environment therefore: ecosystem = food = our bodies = health food = our mental health
In my last letter I wrote:
Food is more than food. It includes all of the stories and structures that bring people to a specific moment in time.
Growing up in North America in the 90s our relationship to food was unbecoming. Microwaveable dinners, pizza pops, pop tarts, ego waffles, snack packs — the era of packaged food felt like it was at an all time high. Deliciously addictive, nutritionally depleted, insulin spikes that look like a heart attack.
I remembering begging my mom to buy me Michelina’s microwaveable fettuccine Alfredo for lunch. I wanted to be like the other kids. I didn’t want the nutritionally abundant home cooked food that she was lovingly making for me and my siblings every day. (😥 sorry mom!) Yet somehow cereal slide by as a healthy breakfast option. And TBH I don’t think Kellogg’s made cereal from anything but corn starch and sugar.
Wild times. And a total disconnection to food. 🙁
This is the exact opposite of now. As I sip organic, sustainably sourced pu’er tea made with water from a spring close to an active volcano in Bali.
Yes that sounds ridiculously specific, or so hipster it hurts. I have no idea. But what is true for me now is I am obsessed with the quality of everything that I put into my body.
Food is more than food. It includes all of the stories and structures that bring people to a specific moment in time.
The underlying tone of this statement can be translated in many ways, including a person’s mental health.
The connection between severe cases of mental health and food was made to look cool in the 90s. For example, child friendly TV shows showing body dis-morphia like bulimia or anorexia, usually portrayed by a popular girl throwing up in the school bathroom, or eating just vegetable sticks for lunch. I don’t recall any help or solutions being presented on these TV shows. However I did receive the underlying message: to be cool means you have to be beautiful, skinny and with perfect (white) skin.
And we wonder why young girls and women struggle with feeling worthy, enough and demonstrate type A personality traits.
Emotional influence.
if I had no fear, what would I do?
if I extinguished the should
if I allowed myself to not be held by the container of my identity
if I totally unraveled and felt into every version of existence,
whether I aligned with it or not.
to see a fuller scope of my reality
to celebrate every way of living, of life
to actually be judgement free
indulging in the darkness
indulging in every form of reality
that feels too far from me
what would I be?
how could I be?
why can I not see
from this seat of existence?
because I am choked,
on my identity
of who I believe I am to be
without really thinking of me.
so who shall I be?
At a very young age the socialization and demands from the female body were nudged into a particular direction that fed the male gaze and western beauty standards. 😡
The notion of nudging has been studied in linguistics. It is the use of certain language patterns, whether intentional or not, to provoke certain behavioural responses. Naturally, corporate America and the forces of marketing used ‘the nudge’ to encourage capitalistic agendas that were/are parallel to the American dream aka to being the popular girl in that show.
This demonstrates the sub-conscious narratives playing in our heads without us even knowing. It is not far fetched to say that we do not know what some of our own thoughts are.
Of course this feeds into our relationship to our body. Body positivity has been one of the most healing journeys I’ve ever been on.
When I lost most of my hair due to alopecia. I hated my body. I was so mad at her. I didn’t trust her anymore. It is the worst feeling to not like the skin you are in. It factors into every element of existence. It was unbearable; and no external solution, no one else’s voice could penetrate this shield of body negativity.
Scaffolding is moving slow. Building a foundation that doesn’t look like the game jenga.
I wrote love letters to different parts of my body every day for a year.
Words are powerful influences on our emotional body through our intellectual body.
Words also confuse our cellular intelligence.
In Ayurveda they talk about how the body knows what it needs to heal, all you have to do is listen. If it needs rest it will ask. If it needs food it will ask.
This subtle listening has become very confused due to our unclear relationship to food. Does my body need a cinnamon bun, or is it just addicted to sugar? Or perhaps it is craving sugar, but truly the signal is confused and my body needs fast fuel because it is protein depleted and needs energy. Likely the second statement is more accurate.
Our DNA tells our cells our desires. If you have a mild allergy to food, our body’s response will tell us we do not like that food. It is a brilliantly intelligent design.
But the question is, whose voices are talking to you?
Secretly telling you that you are fat, which is pushing you into a cycle of sad. Then the hormones released (or not released) due to your sadness crave a pick me up like alcohol or sugar. Then a furious cycle begins. 😓
Or, telling you that you are not worthy and this feeling suppresses your desire to connect with yourself and your body. In the act of suppression you loose your appetite and do not eat. But what you are really doing is telling your body and yourself you do not matter. So you don’t give it any attention through food or any other kind of noticing.
It is a psychological disaster, and our physical bodies carry the burden.
Food is also powerful, it influences our emotional body through our physical body.
Food has the ability to power you up, slow you down, bring you joy, make you feel irritated, etc. If you have ever paid attention to how you feel after you eat or drink something you will notice a change in how you feel, most commonly in your level of tired. This kind of noticing brings you body awareness.
Food causes a reaction in the body. This reaction can impact your hormonal balance, your neurological response, your blood pressure, and a million other parts of your body. Foods cause inflammation in the body, which has been linked to chronic illness and mental health issues.
Our bodies are smart AF. A reaction in one part creates a ripple effect for the rest of the body to adjust. A by-product of that ripple effect is an emotional response, even a subtle one. Being aware of food feelings is one step into living a life for your body, rather than for society.
Body awareness is your conscious observation of how different activities make you feel both physically and emotionally. Awareness and noticing is always the first step to healing, to being, and to seeing who you truly are.
Your body is on your team, and your noticing is a gift you can give yourself.
there are pieces of you grieving
pieces that you didn’t know
you were holding
fragments
of pains that do not ache
so consciously
for they sit
in the crevices of our being
for those pieces
serve you
as a magnifying glass
bringing your attention
your gaze
to a place that needs your tenderness
your touch
your softness
your breathe
breathe deep acknowledgement: this letter was inspired by the beautiful souls in my life, or adjacent to me, that suffer from mental health woes and/or body dysmorphia, and their supporters/caretakers. i have so much love and awe for the courage you hold amidst the suffering endured. this is not an isolated journey. you are so loved, exactly how you are. 😘
Much love 💙💛💚
Parul // @parulbee
letter 015: we are fermenting till we are yogurt 😦💆🏾♀️